GET Resilient: Success Looks Different for Everyone
What is Success?
When we teach children about success, we typically do so in the simplified form of a Merriam Webster definition [1]:
Getting or achieving wealth, respect, or fame
Someone or something that is successful
A favorable or desired outcome
But what exactly does that mean? Who determines what “achieving wealth, respect, or fame” is? Who identifies someone or something as successful? Who picks which outcome is favorable or desirable? It’s all extremely subjective.
Success looks different for everyone
When success is viewed as an unattainable societal standard, it can make people feel insecure and like failures. Take, for instance, success in a gym class, where it's often associated with running the fastest mile or scoring the most points. Where does that leave a disabled individual? Success for them might involve being able to actively participate in a game from their wheelchair or scooter. It could also mean getting through gym class without feeling overwhelmed by the inability to participate in the same way they used to or would like to.
Thus, when we generalize success based on the representation of a neurotypical, able-bodied individual, it has a significant impact on children who do not fall in those categories.
Success and Failure are Non-Binary
Another problem arises with dichotomous thinking, also known as black and white thinking. Dichomotics thinking is often the lens we look through when identifying success or failure. Hence, if you’re not successful, you’re automatically a failure and vice versa.
Success and failure, as opposites, fail to demonstrate the fluidity of these terms. Such a binary perspective categorizes successful individuals into one box and failures into another. Let's consider a scenario: a student initially fails a test. The teacher grants them an opportunity to retake the test, but unfortunately, they fail again. At this point, the child's motivation diminishes, and they start to perceive themselves as a failure. This negative self-identification can have a profound impact. In fact, if a child encounters a challenging problem, they may internalize this negative reinforcement, leading to not only failing the test but also feeling like a failure in life. It is crucial to recognize that setbacks and challenges do not define a person's entire journey towards success.
Put yourself in their shoes
Picture yourself as a student with a learning disability, trying to comprehend the world in binary terms of intelligence. Throughout your academic journey, you find yourself constantly pondering why others around you seem to flourish while you continue to face challenges.
Now, imagine you're a speech therapy student. Your speech teacher points out the sounds you're saying incorrectly. Regardless of how that message is delivered, you may still feel like you're failing in comparison to your peers who don't require speech therapy. Consequently, you might feel insecure or question your intelligence. It can make you feel labeled as something undesirable - a failure.
Lastly, imagine you’re a student with a disability or chronic illness who is applying to college. You have worked extremely hard to make it through schooling with the cards you were dealt, but it still isn’t enough. Compared to your peers, you have lower grades, fewer extracurricular activities, and are overall less qualified. But what about resiliency? What about the fact that you worked twice as hard, if not more than your peers in a society that wasn’t built for you? Regardless of how hard you worked, by the societal standard of success, you get rejected over and over again.
Think about it…
I invite you to pause and reflect on your personal definition of success. How does it contrast with the perspectives of your family and friends? Are there accomplishments they could reach that seem out of your grasp? Perhaps, for instance, you envision success as setting a world record for the most 3-pointers scored in a basketball game. What are some potential obstacles that might hinder this goal? Physical limitations? Lack of height? Poor fitness levels or health conditions like asthma? There are numerous reasons why this particular vision of success may seem flawed. Yet, it's important to remember that success is not an elusive concept. It doesn't necessarily mean holding a world record or surpassing others in achievements. Success isn't...
Changing the definition of success
Let's talk about a powerful word - "Resiliency". It's the magical force that allows us to rise from our failures, dust ourselves off and bravely continue on our journey. Resiliency is the fuel that keeps our engine running even when we stumble and fall. It teaches us to learn from our missteps instead of wallowing in regret. Resilience is beautifully fluid, adaptable, and unique to each one of us - it doesn't conform to anyone else's standards or expectations of success.
Success is like a beautiful dance intertwined with resilience. It is an ongoing journey where every failure serves as a stepping stone towards growth. Every lesson learned allows for adaptation and improvement. So always remember this: The road to success is paved with resilience, starting from failure and leading to triumph!
Additional Resources:
Resilience: The Key to Success
Raising emotionally resilient kids by starting with yourself
Science says parents of successful kids have these 25 things in common
