GET Communicating: 10 Tips for Conversations
We recently discovered a TedTalk called “10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation” by Celeste Headlee. Celeste brings an interesting perspective to the table regarding the lack of balance between talking and listening in conversations as simple as small talk.
Teachers may use admonitions like “pay attention” or “use your listening ears,” but there is an extreme lack of formal methods that teach students how to listen. This is based on the following false assumptions. The first is that listening depends on intelligence. While low intelligence can be related to the inability to attend and/or comprehend, an unintelligent person is not necessarily a poor listener, and vice versa. The second is that learning to read automatically teaches one to listen. Concentration while listening is more difficult than any other form of communication because we think faster than we can speak. This gap is mostly misused with unrelated thoughts, judgments, or personal opinions when we could use it to our advantage.
So, how can we become the best conversationalists? How can we model and teach listening skills to our children? Celeste suggests 10 rules to have coherent, confident, and effective conversations.
Don’t multitask. Stay in the present moment.
Don’t pontificate. Assume you always have something to learn.
Ask open-ended questions. This is where our who, what, when, where, why questions pop in. Imagine asking someone after a complicated surgery, “Were you scared?” They reply to you, “Yes.” Boom. Conversation ended. But what if you asked them, “How do you feel?” or “What was it like?” Most likely you’d have a deeper conversation and have an opportunity to learn something from another’s experience.
Go with the flow. We all remember what it was like in grade school when you had a burning question but your teacher gave you the ‘wait until I’m finished’ look. You sat there repeating your question over and over again in your mind. But, while trying to remember your question you completely missed valuable information from your teacher. Let the questions go. Let thoughts come in, then go out. Otherwise, you’ve stopped listening.
If you don’t know, say that you don’t know. It’s always best to err on the side of caution.
Don’t equate your experience with theirs. This one is tough because most of the time people have the best intentions when they bring up a similar experience. They want to make the other person feel less alone or are acting based on empathy (see Brene Brown on Empathy) which we are taught is a good thing. Compassion can be offered without personal comparison.
Try not to repeat yourself. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Don’t beat a dead horse.” I’m sure we can all think of a conversation in which we lost interest and stopped listening because the speaker repeatedly said the same thing.
Stay out of the weeds. You know that tip-of-the-tongue sensation where you can’t quite remember the date of an event or the name of an old friend? You spend a solid 2 minutes in silence just trying to dig it out from your brain’s attic and while doing so you’ve completely lost the interest of your communication partner. People don’t care about dates, names, or details that you can’t remember.
Listen. Celeste mentions that although this is not the last rule, it is the most important. Most people would rather talk than listen because it gives them control over what’s being discussed. A lot of times, we stop listening because we get distracted. As Celeste mentioned, “It takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can’t do that, you’re not in a conversation. You’re just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.” Stephen Covey sums that up with the quote, “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand, we listen with the intent to reply.”
Be brief. Celeste shares a quote from her sister, “A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.” It’s all about balance.
Lastly, Celeste mentions that to have conversational competency, you have to be interested in what other people have to say. Otherwise… what’s the point? Try to look at each conversation as a chance to be amazed, an opportunity to learn something new, or an opportunity to share what you’ve learned.
